A Day at Climate Central

Mark: Joe, why the heck is it so cold in here?

Joe: Governor says we have to save energy so the thermostat is set at 60 F.

Mark: What is that cr*p I’m seeing on TV? Someone’s claiming climate change must be wrong just because we have a brief cold period. What do they know about these things? Every climate science knows warming will be coming. DENIERS.

Where the heck are Brenda, Juan and Peter?  They should be out there talking to the new media about this little bump on the road to warming. Call them and get them in here NOW.

Joe: They’re all downstairs in the break room.

Mark: What??

Joe: Brenda has no heat. Propane deliveries have been slow to non-existent. Juan’ car wouldn’t start so he took a cab. He was mumbling something about antifreeze and who the **** knew it would be -4F today. Peter has no heat and the road to his house is not being plowed because the snow removal budget is empty. He didn’t get home last night. Oh, and Brenda’s kids are in the upstairs meeting room sleeping on the floor. Juan’s wife and kids are coming by after 4 pm and Peter is having his girlfriend who stayed at her mom’s house bring in food and fresh clothes. Seems our building is the warmest in the area.

Mark: Get them in here now.

(Employees traipse in)

Mark: Brenda, get on the phone and educate the news media about climate change. Make sure they get it right—this cold is climate change and saying anything else makes them look stupid and unscientific.

Peter, get on the phone to the paper. Same message.

Juan….Juan…Just go back to the break room for now.

Brenda:  Mark, the news media person stated “I don’t give a rat’s behind about your freaking climate change theories. My car slid off the road because ‘We don’t sand—winters will be mild and children will not know what snow looks like’. You know what you can do with your freaking warming……..” I think she hung up at that point. Or there was some problem with a couple of employees fighting over a space heater that could have distracted her.

Mark: Call her back.

Brenda: No can do. The network blocked our number.

Mark: Peter, what gives at the paper.

Peter: I don’t think I can repeat their suggestion, even if I wanted to. I may have lost my hearing in my left ear. I don’t think they really care about our theory.

Mark: Dammit, how did this happen?

Juan: The models clearly showed there would be no cold winters. I mean, look at what Dr. Viner said about children not knowing what snowfall would look like. Who needs road salt, plows, propane, or any of that stuff if it’s not going to snow.

Mark: He wasn’t being serious, you idiot. He just wanted to scare people into shutting off their fossil fuel usage. If the stupid deniers had stayed out of this, we’d be using wind and solar by now.

Juan, walking off, under his breath: And we’d be freezing our fannies off like right now….

Mark: What was that?

Juan: Nothing, sir.

Mark: This is ridiculous. How can people be so stupid as to not trust 97% of climate scientists? It’s just a momentary dip, for crying out loud. Brenda—get over there by the window and hold up a sign saying “It’s climate change, stupid”. Maybe we can get the word out that way.



Mark: What the heck was that?

Brenda comes running into the room, out of breath and covered in snow and glass: “Whoa, who knew a snowball could break a window? Some denier just threw one through the window where I was standing. You might want to call maintenance on that.”

Juan: There’s a group of very angry people out front throwing snow and rocks at the door and demanding someone come out and explain why it’s so freaking cold. I called the police, but they can’t get through right now—too much chaos. What do we do?

Mark: Shut off the lights and move away from the doors. The cold will drive them home soon enough. That’s what people get for being unscientific and deniers. Serves them right.

Is it safe yet?

Is it safe yet?

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